


Cracks

by ConfessionForAnotherTime



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Character Study, Fear, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Questioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-18 23:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4724384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfessionForAnotherTime/pseuds/ConfessionForAnotherTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Megneato asked for the breakdown of thought Locus' has in Episode 19 of Season 13.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cracks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Megneato](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Megneato).



_I don’t know._

Felix kept yelling at him. He threw the SAW in his lap, the gun Felix had acquired specifically for him. Threw it down like he was an animal seeking a bone. He hurt, ached. He wanted to lay down for a few days. He didn’t need to be pushed so much at this point, but Felix was proving a point. Wasn’t he? _Yeah he was._ Locus nodded. _He always tries to prove a point when he gets this angry. He’s scared. He pissed. He wants to ensure that all of them die, and he wants me there too. That’s why I’m here._ Right?

_I don’t know._

He needed Felix back like he was before. Locus wanted to stand with him, not kneel before him as he stumbled and tried to keep up. He needed the wounds to heal before he could run after Felix and Felix didn’t want to slow down or wait for him to catch up. He almost died and instead of ensuring his safety, Felix was hellbent on making sure that someone paid for his injury.

 _Felix, I need help_.

“Felix, it’s over.” Felix we need to go back. We need to find a way out of this. It was too much at this point for Locus. After all the years of torment and bloodshed, all of the questions that had hammered him, all the jabs, had finally caught up with him. He needed validation and he was turning to the person he trusted most to be able to hand it to him. To pull him back up and show him that they were in the right. They were on their way to victory. They were going to win like every time before. How will they acquire that victory?

_I don’t know._

“Run your camo and stick to the shadows.” _Felix, no, that’s not what you should say right now. I need you. We need to go. We need to leave._ The little pieces of his mind that were clinging to the hope that the two of them would make it out alive were slowly slipping from their grip, desperate to hold on. He needed something. Felix had to give it to him. He had to. He had every time before. Why can’t you see what you’re doing to yourself by being blinded by this hatred? Why can’t you see that I need you right now? Why can’t you---? Felix activated the sword, keeping his back to Locus. Where are you going?

_I don’t know._

“The Tartarus was destroyed. Our numbers are falling. The mission---” Locus knew Felix would listen to reason. If he presented it logically, he could convince his partner to head back. They could regroup, find more troops and go back in with guns blazing to take out the simulation troopers once and for all. Locus had to do something. Appeal to him. Find a way. With the gun in your hand, he can’t pull the trigger. Stand up, Locus. Stand up and pull him back. You’ve done it so many times before. You have been able to time and time again. Why can’t you chase after him?

_I don’t know._

“Fuck the mission! For once in your life, Jesus Christ! Would you forget about following god damn orders!” Locus sat there in stunned silence. Felix would yell, but never at him. Never in anger. It was always reversed. Never malicious. There was disappointment interlaced with each punctuated syllable at the end of the sentence. His diligence to the mission was a curse to Felix. He felt himself crumble a little at the revelation, a little piece of him falling to the floor with each word that Felix spat from his lips. No. No no no. This isn’t how Felix was supposed to react. Felix was supposed to walk over and extend a hand. Help him up. Bring him on level. He is his partner after all. Instead, he kept watching Felix grind his boots into the metal of the structure, his steel from his boots scratching the surface of the Sanghelli temple floor. The sound grated on his ears and he knew just by stance alone, Felix was putting a barrier between them, distance. Where are you going, Felix?

_I don’t know._

“I’m not doing this for Hargrove. I’m doing this for me.” Locus’ eyes unfocused. No. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. After all this time, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Felix wasn’t supposed to turn away. Felix wasn’t supposed to walk off like this. Locus wanted to tell him that he mattered more than any other partner he had the pleasure of training with, sharing with, fighting with. Time wasn’t going to change it, yet Felix was allowing the influence of the simulation troopers to cloud his mind. Felix pulling away was more than he could take. No. It couldn’t end like this. It couldn’t. All this time and effort didn’t lead to this. All those people they had left in their wake. Locus closed his eyes. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. He needed to find a way to get through to Felix. Convince him to leave this place. Get him some help. Both of them some help. Even if that was just--- no. Don’t think like that. Locus pulled himself up, stumbling over into the corridor of the temple expanse inside the pillar. He had to catch up to Felix to be able to help. Be useful. A weapon that is left behind isn’t useful. Go find him. Pick yourself up.

“Why have you come here Meddler?” the Sanghelli AI asked, appearing near him.

 _I don’t know._ Stop using that cop out, Locus. Stop it. You know why you’re here. You need someone to guide you and you’re grasping at anyone at this point. You know better than to trust the AI though. All AI have brought to anyone historically is lies and pain. They probe into what they think they know about you. They make you doubt yourself. They aren’t human and claim to know what the human condition is all about.

“To kill the simulation troopers,” Locus said plainly, gasping for breath from the short crawl.

Locus wasn’t lying when he told the Sanghelli AI why he was here. He and Felix came there together to take them out. That was the plan anyway. Take them out and return to Hargrove. They would collect their reward. They would leave and head off to the next job or work on what Hargrove would have for them next. That’s what was going to happen once he willed himself to stand up and follow after Felix. Felix was gone. He had left him. He’s coming back. You’re not alone. He wouldn’t leave you behind like that. He wouldn’t leave you behind while you were injured and near a decent sized group of enemy forces, no matter how stupid they were.

“Will this secure your victory over their forces?” the AI asked.

It would.

“No.” Locus cast his eyes down from inside his helmet, able to see the shimmer of the AI still in his HUD display.

Except Felix would find reason to go after Agent Washington and Agent Carolina again. He would find a reason for the two of them to keep fighting, which wasn’t possible in this state. Felix couldn’t win two on one. Why would he think he could win by taking out the simulation troopers?

_I don’t know._

“Then what purpose will it serve?” the AI asked.

Felix will return to me and I will know what to do.

“I don’t know.”

“Then _why_ are you trying?” the AI pressed.

Because I need him.

“I don’t know.”

“What _do_ you know?”

That I am nothing without a purpose.

“I don’t _know!”_ His voice cracked in desperation.

He knew he needed Felix, even if it seemed like Felix didn’t need him. Anymore.

“Then what do you want to know?” the AI asked, sensing a shift.

“I---I want to know, what Felix is afraid of.” If he found it out now, then maybe. Maybe he would be able to reach out to him in a way that Felix couldn’t reach back. Help him. Meet him halfway and mend the damage that had been caused by the simulation troopers. He would have never agreed to working for Hargrove if it meant everything he had built his life up to.

“You were broken by war,” the AI explained. “It was his goal to see that you never healed because despite what he may claim, only one of you needs the other to survive.” What is he talking about?

_I don’t know._

“What are you saying?” Locus rasped out, barely above a whisper. He needed to know even if he could guess that the answer was far from anything he could ever conceivably want.

“Ignorant creature. Your partner is afraid of _you._ ” Locus shifted on the floor away from where the AI appeared next to him. He didn’t want to believe it. There was no way. Felix wasn’t afraid of him. The only person he had ever been afraid of died in a blaze of flashing knives and blood. Felix had taken care of them. Why would he keep him around if he was afraid of him. No. There was no way. The AI was wrong. He had to find Felix. He had to know. Why would he keep him around if he was afraid?

_I don’t know._

Why would he go out of his way to pull him out of the wreckage and burnt earth to ensure his survival if he was in a state of fear? Why would he--- no. It made no sense. The AI was wrong. He had to be wrong. Felix wasn’t afraid of anything. Felix wasn’t like him. Felix was sure in his convictions. Wasn’t he?

_I don’t know._

The more he thought about it, the more he mulled it over and beat it around in his mind, the more he could tell that Felix had every right to be afraid, even if he masked it. He was a soldier. He was a killer. He was a threat in every regard. He had become that monster their squad had gunned down when it approached their camp so many years ago. He was that cold sweat when Felix woke up and stared him down in the middle of the night. He was that uneasy breath. He had become more than just a soldier. He had become that weapon. He had turned into something to be feared. Hadn’t he?

_I don’t know._


End file.
